


You and me and the satellites

by orphan_account



Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Forgiveness, Loneliness, M/M, References to Suicide, Songfic, Tony Angst, Tony Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 04:38:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year after Steve's death, Tony remembers and forgives. (Songfic for 'For Blue Skies by Strays Don't Sleep)</p>
            </blockquote>





	You and me and the satellites

**Author's Note:**

> I read Civil War today, and then I heard this song (look it up, it's AMAZING), and I just needed to write something angsty, so... I'm not sure how it came out, feedback is much appreciated!   
> (Everything in quotes is lyrics from the song)

Tony wasn't drunk. He hadn't had a drink in over a year, since before—well, since Before. Maybe this would have been easier with alcohol—his hands were shaking enough as it was. He stared out at the skyline, the view he'd once thought beautiful, and he couldn't think about anything except how much He had loved this view. So many things had changed, so many things were so foreign (and that had been it, hadn't it? this wasn't the world He'd left behind, and everything He'd fought for was gone), but the New York skyline was still beautiful. Tony would come up here at night and find Him just sitting up here drawing, sketching something that was a kind of conglomerate of the skyline He'd known and the skyline today. They'd sat up here for hours at a time—it was the one place where He didn't constantly feel like jumping out of his own skin at the strangeness. He'd always liked being high up. He'd loved the view. Tony wiped away something that could have been a tear, and got shakily to his feet. the edge of the roof was a long way up— _when He let his feet dangle over the edge it was almost like He was flying_ —and the people on the ground looked like ants— _why ants, why not aphids, or ladybugs_ —sometimes when Tony stood up here he thought about dropping something off the edge, but that would just hurt someone else.

Tony sat down on the edge iust like He used to (that spark of the daredevil that no one but Tony got to see) and stared out at His city. "It's been a long year since we last spoke." Exactly a year since the last day they'd sat on this roof for the last time—a year to the day since he'd walked into the bathroom and found Him on the floor. It was yesterday and an eternity in his mind, and God, he wanted a drink. But he'd promised Him, and he could do this.. "How's your halo?" Because he didn't care what the priests said, if there was a God, he would let Him into Heaven, and he couldn't be Tony without at least trying to be flippant. His voice cracked slightly on the word 'halo'. "Just between you and I—you and me and the satellites—I never believed you," he screamed at the sky, definitely crying now and letting then anger tear though him. All those times He'd said He was fine... "I only wanted to, before all this. What'd I miss?" There had to be somethimg he could've done, something that would've stopped this... "Do you ever get homesick?" _For me_ , he appended, _Steve, dear God, Steve, I miss you, do you have any idea what you've done to me..._ "I can't get used to it!" his voice broke on a sob. "I can't get used to it, I'll never get used to it."

He sobbed brokenly, letting the tears run down his cheeks and onto his shirt, remembering. How could any of this be worth it? How could everything have gone so wrong? "I'm under that knife, I'm under those same stars, we're in a red car, you asleep at my side, goin' in and out of the headlights." he shook violently, feeling the echo of His head on his shoulder, the whisper of His phantom breath on his cheek. 

"Could I have saved you—would that have betrayed you?" He looked up at the cloudy night sky. "I wanna burn this film," _I want to, need to, I have to fix this, how could you leave me here alone, I'd only just found you..._ "You alone with those pills...what you couldn't do I will—I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you..." he sobbed-screamed-whispered-wailed into the darkness. _I loved you. I **love** you, why did you leave me, don't you know that everyone leaves me..._

A tear fell from his cheek and plummetted to the street far, far below.

_I forgive you._


End file.
